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Good morning friends!!! today is January 22 and it's 10 am. it is amazing!!! i am still awake at 10 am. what's so amazing you ask? i'm not awake usually until around 11am or 12pm. i have been awake all morning. haven't gone back to bed. i am so full of energy and joy and happiness!!! i truly believe i was being over dosed on flolan. i say this because i wasn't eating, drinking, sleeping all the time, not enjoying my music or tv at all. I Almost ran the other day too!!!! My pace is picked up almost twice as fast i as going before. i don't need to park in the handicapped space, but not too far away from it. i walked the entire length of target and walmart on the same day. what can i say? Praise GOD!!! the funny thing is, while i was ill and depressed, i began reading about Praising God in all things. ALL THINGS. i began praising HIm for my illnesses and all that was going on. ALl of a sudden, i woke up with the Spirit inside me. i was over come with joy!!! a few days later, i felt so much better!!! i could cook. i could eat after i cooked, instead of going straight to bed. i don't know exactly what happened. i think that going down on flolan and my realization that i needed to Praise God came hand in hand. i believe that is how our Lord wanted it to be. i have never been this religious in my life, that i can remember. the biggest thing for me besides having energy.. is i am able to eat again. not too much... but i can eat. so much more than i was before. i was going days without some type of nourishment. i am eating !!! the other day, i was speaking with phcentral to start a list for parents who have ph and are struggling to raise their child(ren). Now!!! i am moderating that list!!! everything is going so fast. but i praise God Almighty. I also believe i know why i was brought to Texas. This is where the best ph doc is. This is where i wound find myself and my family. find myself and what i could do. find my family in the respect that i know now how much they mean to me. took me this long, but it has happened. lol. so many people said, with a terminal condition, you learn not to take things for granted. you learn to smell every rose and see everything for what it is. the beauty in it. well. if you haven't seen it, don't despair. pray for light. pray to the HOly Spirit, and to your angels. God will show you the way. He has me. God bless you!!! ^i^

I just finished watching  a movie, my head is begining to hurt, and I cannot sleep. Each time I try, my head fills with images of my husband leaving for Iraq, and my eyes fill with tears. It hurts so much i cannot breathe. And i have to take a huge sigh in order to release some of the pain i am feeling. In just about a week, he will be leaving for training. " Desert WarFare" "operation free Iraq" why can't they free themselves? why do we have to be the world's police? it's not  fare.

I just cannot imagine 18 months without him. at least that is what they are saying now. But we know that the way the military is, it can turn into 24 months.... 30 months.... i just cannot think of it.  I've always had a way of not thinking about the hurtful things, the sad things. in my head, i'd have a song going. i can not find the music in my head tonight. the pain is too much. and I don't want to lie in bed crying. he needs to sleep. he's been working so hard to get things in order before he leaves. he's planned everything to a T so that I won't have to worry aobut anything except getting thru the day. and trying to sleep.

I can not imagine , nor do i want to, what it will be like without him. All i can do is pray to God beg and please that He not llet him go. I'm at a loss.  I do not know what else to say. The pain is too great, and i'm going to have to keep cool for the kids too. i'm going to be a single mom for so many long months. how can i be a mom and dad? they love their father so much.

there isn't anywhere i can go to. nothing i or anyone else can say.

i cannot look back at what i wrote last time to see if i mentioned the beautiful gift i received from him. but i was so stunned and trying so hard not to cry. it felt like a  good bye gift. how awful is that?

writing this down and being able to express my feelings this way is such  a huge help. maybe i can sleep now. probably not. but i can try again.

^i^

Friday after work, I drove 6 hours to pick dan up in killeen... i ended up in waco. I was paying attention, but still was unable to find the right turn off. I would have driven further just to see him.

So I turned around and finaly was able to find the right road. Full of frustration, I arrived on base. The did a search of my van, made me stand in a huge line (even though i told them  I wouldn't beable to to do it cuz of my disability. they didn't even care). It was awful. hot and humid.

After leaving there, I arrived where Dan was. He called and told me how to arrive at the barricks. it was very easy.  There were many in the parking lot, loading gear and equiptment to go home for the weekend. It was like a sea of guys with green bags. 

We brought another guy back with us, and ended up home at 11pm. i left town at 1pm after work. Talk about a long day!

The weekend was wonderful. Dan was exhausted but did all he could to have a fun time with me and the kids. They had given him immunization shots and one in particular left a huge lump under his skin that was weeping. He instructued us not to touch it because it was very contagious at that point.  I reminded him once again not to take any pills he didn't know what they were. It was those pills, I believe, that left soldiers and marines incabable of bearing children, and made them more suseptable to illnesses out there. what did they call it?  Gulf War Disease.

Monday morning came all to quickly. We had breakfast with his mom, and he played basketball with the kids. Meanwhile, I was taking all the pictures I could of him with the kids. They need good memories.

He loaded up his truck before 1pm and went on his way. before he left, he gave me a huge hug. Going thru my mind was "Remember his skin. Remember his smell. Remember his lips on yours. Remember his touch and rough skin. Remember."

Before he pulled completely out of the drive way, I stick my head in the window for one last kiss.  We were all bawling. the girls and I watched him until we couldn't see him anymore.

Again , we are alone.

^i^

Saturday night, Dan arrives home for a long deserved break from Frt Hood. I was going to drive up stead to save him the drive time and the exhaustion that would follow. Last time he drove up, or maybe I should say down, he slept almost the entire time he was here.  But he was adamant about me staying here and he coming to us.

My kids had a sleep over to go to, but they really wanted to stay home to see daddy for a few hours before going to bed, but I convinced them to go to the party.

Dan and I had a wonderful evening. We didn't leave the house but it was awesome nonetheless.

The next day, we went for breakfast with his mom. Afterwards, I picked up the kids at the party. They were so excited to get home to see daddy!!!

We did see daddy, but only for a short while since he left that evening at 6:30 pm. Drea promised she'd stay up and wait for his phone call saying that he arrived safely.

This morning, when I woke up, my oldest was with me, my youngest was in my oldest's bed and my middle daughter was in her own room. they had played switch beds in the middle of the night wanting to find comfort and solace.

Drea wasn't going to school, she swore, but ended up going anyhow. And as I dropped them off, they all gave me a big hug and kiss. Usually, they would all run off without so much as a wave goodbye. Today however, Drea came back and hugged my neck and didn't want to move.

I can still feel her pain. Over and over they would ask me last night, "why does Daddy have to go? " All I could think of to say is "It's his duty"

January is coming to fast. already we are so close to the end of October. I thought to myself ,"This will be the last visit for October, then one  3 day visit in November, then Christmas and he is gone."  At Church, I was looking for the Sept readings. October!!!! we are in October???!!!???

I feel like raising my arms in anger and yelling Why!!! Why does he have to leave? We are his duty! We are his family! We need him here! When he gets back, the kids will be 2 yrs older. So much will have happened, and I will have to do it alone. My rock will be gone. My love. I cannot stand this.

There is this lump in my throat that will not let me breath and yet it wont go away no matter how many tears fall.

We took our Christmas card photo yesterday, Sunday. They will be so beautiful. The kids asked, why are we taking these now? I could only say, because we don't know when Daddy will be back.

I'm going to Frt Hood next weekend with the kids. Come what may. Nothing can stop us from going. I can't say nothing can I?

What an awful feeling. Having someone else control your life so much that you can't cry you can't laugh you can't breath it hurts so much.  What a terrible feeling. I don't believe it was this difficult last time he went. But then again, we didn't have kids then and I wasn't left in this God forsaken place.

Again, we are alone